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  • Listening to: These Times is stuck in my head
  • Drinking: V8 Fusion
There is a lot on my mind. A lot. The weeks have flown by lately and yet it's all just been an uneventful, numbing blur. Nothing big (or good) has happened and I feel like I'm just...serving no purpose. Living no life....

I'm still on anti-depressants of course. Only one friend knows and I feel awful for betraying H like this. But how exactly do you tell someone that? Especially when she suffers with depression too?

Is it bad I wish I was depressed like I used to be? That I don't want these pills? I'm just numb. I don't know how I feel anymore. It's the worst feeling anymore. I'd rather feel constant depression than be purely CONFUSED with my emotions. Honestly.

I'm a freak.

I've also come to the conclusion that I no longer believe in God. I don't know if I ever did. I was searching for a comfort of some sort...hope. And he hasn't really done anything. If he is real, the only time he's ever answered prayers is for my mom not having cancer-that was almost a year ago...and that wasn't even about me. The thing is, yeah, you could say he has kept me here and given me strength or whatever. But no. That's ME. *I* decided to keep going, my friends/writing/music/whatever else gave me strength. God did nothing.

I'm scared to tell my youth group this, though. See, my friend L (the one in Florida) recently told them her conclusions about no faith and such. But she doesn't still see some of them at school and it's just...if I disconnect with them things could change big time. I'm terrified of losing J (might be over him at last...) because he'll judge me based solely on that. Which is horribly close-minded, but it happens. I'm just so scared. I am going to try and stop going to youth, hopefully just giving the message out that way. Or maybe I'll go one more time like a last goodbye and admit my findings a few days later. (There's a facebook page for prayer requests; it's where L posted.) I don't know what to do. No one knows of my conclusion yet. I'm scared of what people will think and what they will say. Why don't you believe? Well...many reasons. It's hard to explain. But I don't. I just don't.

So do I believe in a heaven and hell? Sure, in a way. I think that good people-whether they believe or not-belong in heaven and bad people-rapists, murderers, etc.-should go to Hell. I don't exactly believe in angels and sorta in demons, but that's about it. I don't think spirits are real-yet at the same time I do. So, as you can see, I'm very confused on this part.

Does this make me agnostic or atheist? Honestly, I have no clue. I know I believe in Hell and Heaven, but...ugh. I have no clue how to explain this. I'm sounding close-minded but I try not to be. The thing is, it just doesn't make sense. God and all.Well, that and it isn't right in my mind. I don't agree with any of it and don't like the Christian religion and views. But, I do try to keep an open mind. After all, anything is possible. Reincarnation is fascinating to me and I love love love the idea of it. I've always been interested in Buddhism (since last year) and after watching Life of Pi I was again fascinated by the Islam religion. It's just all so incredible how people can set so much of their lives in such a thing that might not even exist.

Maybe I'm just not one of those people.

So I guess I'm agnostic. I'll try to keep an open mind, but I can't make promises.

Wow...ya know it feels great finally talking about this. Only one person will read it (interested to see her response) and I'm okay with that. I just...the idea that it's finally out there is nice.

So I'm going to shut up now. I might make another entry later but as of now, I'm feeling slightly better. :P

Signing off,

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Matt-90 Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
mmhh ... I can understand very well what are you trying to say, simply because I see myself in what you wrote on this post. I don't even believe in god, and I don't believe in heaven, hell, angels, demons, spirits, ghosts, or whatever they call those ''things''.
I think it's just a product of our minds, an unconscious fear... the fear of being alone in the world. And that's because religions are so old and so close-minded... you know, 500 years nobody knows more than the earth, some stars, sun, moon etc, but now, we know A LOT more, we know that there's a big universe out there, full of galaxies, pulsars, quasars, black holes... and other galaxies, and that's it!
I prefer to believe in science instead. Perhaps, if only my mother had lived other 10 years, maybe they could have found a cure.
Anyway, if something seems wrong, it's because I'm not english.. apologies.
You should keep believing in yourself, I think it's the best religion.

P.S .. if you don't already know it, u could find interesting ''restless heart syndrome'' by green day
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MockingbirdInTheSky Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
It's so comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I agree with the whole unconscious fear being the reason people created religion. As humans, we fear being alone and abandoned, so the comfort of knowing when we die we will still be...alive, so to speak, provides for us. As one of my favorite singers (Andy from Black Veil Brides) said in his song New Religion, "you don't love a God; you love your comfort". Lately I've been basing these conclusions off of that.

I'm not really on the science side though either, when this topic is brought up. It's more of trying to accept anything and using what knowledge, opinions and beliefs I have to build my own response. Ya know? I kinda go with what I want. I like that so much better.

I'm sorry for your loss, by the way. I can't imagine losing one of my family members...

I don't believe in myself personally, but yeah...I agree again. :P People shouldn't base their dreams on what 'God' says, but instead on their heart. I want to become a bestselling author and no God is going to stop me. I also want to save lives, help those in need, be a public speaker, possibly become a foster parent, work with animals, and uh, many other things. I have too many dreams but I hope to somehow accomplish them before death. Sometimes it's the only thing keeping me going...

Actually, I noticed no mistakes and I'm your regular grammar Nazi. :D Where are you from? Just curious.

I'll check that song out. Thanks!

I feel I should thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. I seriously have come to think I am, given my current situation. Only one of my friends doesn't believe in God but she has her own religion, so finding someone in a very similar 'conflict' to my own was good for me. :) Thanks.

Sorry if I babbled. I'm a very introverted person in real life, but online I'm a blabbermouth and find myself going off topic...
Matt-90 Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012
Don't worry for that, I like met new ''interesting'' people :). And it's always a pleasure when you find someone like you, even it's from a different culture.
Anyway, I'm italian :flageu:, my name is Matt, and just in case you want to know I'm 21, some people are not... uhmm... comfortable when they don't know their interlocutor's age
Probably this time I did some mistakes :santa:
feel free to go off topic, nobody is going to punish us for this :ohnoes:
MockingbirdInTheSky Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
True, true. It seems only online that I find those who share my views. That is how I met one of my closest friends, at least.
Oh cool! A few years ago I went to Venice, Italy and I loved it there. :D I got a cat mask-kinda like the ones actresses (I guess specifically in Italy?) where in plays. :) I don't remember much because I was 10 but the whole trip to Europe itself was fabulous. I love traveling, actually. Hopefully I'll go back to Europe one day, though my target that time would be London. Briiiiitish. <3
I am American and uh, 15. Though as long as you aren't a creeper, I'm okay with talking.

No, actually. :O I reward you with a virtual cookie for this accomplishment. Though I find it sad you speak a different language yet have better grammar than most people my age. It's very sad, actually.

True. I'm a ranter, though, so just tell me if I'm boring you. As I said, I'm extroverted online and can talk your ear off. xD So just a warning.
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December 6, 2012


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