There is a lot on my mind. A lot. The weeks have flown by lately and yet it's all just been an uneventful, numbing blur. Nothing big (or good) has happened and I feel like I'm just...serving no purpose. Living no life....

I'm still on anti-depressants of course. Only one friend knows and I feel awful for betraying H like this. But how exactly do you tell someone that? Especially when she suffers with depression too?

Is it bad I wish I was depressed like I used to be? That I don't want these pills? I'm just numb. I don't know how I feel anymore. It's the worst feeling anymore. I'd rather feel constant depression than be purely CONFUSED with my emotions. Honestly.

I'm a freak.

I've also come to the conclusion that I no longer believe in God. I don't know if I ever did. I was searching for a comfort of some sort...hope. And he hasn't really done anything. If he is real, the only time he's ever answered prayers is for my mom not having cancer-that was almost a year ago...and that wasn't even about me. The thing is, yeah, you could say he has kept me here and given me strength or whatever. But no. That's ME. *I* decided to keep going, my friends/writing/music/whatever else gave me strength. God did nothing.

I'm scared to tell my youth group this, though. See, my friend L (the one in Florida) recently told them her conclusions about no faith and such. But she doesn't still see some of them at school and it's just...if I disconnect with them things could change big time. I'm terrified of losing J (might be over him at last...) because he'll judge me based solely on that. Which is horribly close-minded, but it happens. I'm just so scared. I am going to try and stop going to youth, hopefully just giving the message out that way. Or maybe I'll go one more time like a last goodbye and admit my findings a few days later. (There's a facebook page for prayer requests; it's where L posted.) I don't know what to do. No one knows of my conclusion yet. I'm scared of what people will think and what they will say. Why don't you believe? Well...many reasons. It's hard to explain. But I don't. I just don't.

So do I believe in a heaven and hell? Sure, in a way. I think that good people-whether they believe or not-belong in heaven and bad people-rapists, murderers, etc.-should go to Hell. I don't exactly believe in angels and sorta in demons, but that's about it. I don't think spirits are real-yet at the same time I do. So, as you can see, I'm very confused on this part.

Does this make me agnostic or atheist? Honestly, I have no clue. I know I believe in Hell and Heaven, but...ugh. I have no clue how to explain this. I'm sounding close-minded but I try not to be. The thing is, it just doesn't make sense. God and all.Well, that and it isn't right in my mind. I don't agree with any of it and don't like the Christian religion and views. But, I do try to keep an open mind. After all, anything is possible. Reincarnation is fascinating to me and I love love love the idea of it. I've always been interested in Buddhism (since last year) and after watching Life of Pi I was again fascinated by the Islam religion. It's just all so incredible how people can set so much of their lives in such a thing that might not even exist.

Maybe I'm just not one of those people.

So I guess I'm agnostic. I'll try to keep an open mind, but I can't make promises.

Wow...ya know it feels great finally talking about this. Only one person will read it (interested to see her response) and I'm okay with that. I just...the idea that it's finally out there is nice.

So I'm going to shut up now. I might make another entry later but as of now, I'm feeling slightly better.

Signing off,

SnowBird